Today is a difficult day.
One year ago…
It was the day my world crumbled around me.
It was the day I miscarried for the second time.
I remember being nervous because I was farther along in my pregnancy this time. Each day longer brought its own anxiety and over analyzing of every symptom or lack thereof. That morning I woke up happy…still having wildly vivid pregnancy dreams, still oh so very nauseous, oh yes, the breasts are still extra enormous, this time it might be sticking. And then around two in the afternoon the pressure in my uterus grew stronger and when I went to the bathroom I had started spotting. Panicking I reminded myself that spotting is normal, let’s not freak out just yet. I reminded myself to lie down and try to relax. I got up to go to the bathroom a little while later and the spotting had stopped, but oh that telltale back ache, that eerie twisting in the small of my back, the one I developed last time crept its way in. Still I tried to remain positive. I tried to tell myself we were going to be okay. I kept talking to the baby telling them that mommy loved them and that she was doing her best to keep us both safe. By 4:30pm the contractions had started and I knew it was game over. By 4:30pm the bleeding became heavy and it wasn’t long before I passed the baby.
My entire world came to a stop.
I was in utter disbelief that it happened again. I still have a hard time believing it happened again. It seems like such a cruel joke. It’s as though God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it, put the prize within reach and swiftly took it away with a giant “just kidding” shouted in my general direction.
I wish I could say to you all that the hurt goes away. I wish I could say that you feel completely whole again. But it just doesn’t and you just don’t. Yes it doesn’t ache as tremendously on a daily basis, but it still aches, and sometimes…especially on days like this it’s a deeply profound ache. It hurts to the depths of my soul and then some.
I don’t know why I’ve been chosen to walk this path. I don’t know why all of my children so far have been chosen to live in heaven. I do know that searching for those answers will drive you mad. It took me to a dark place, a place that I can’t let myself go again. So instead I write about it. Instead of going there, I talk to other women, perhaps women like you, who have miscarried too. I let them know that they aren’t alone and that all of those ugly and at times scary feelings that they are having aren’t unusual. I let them know that it’s okay to ask for help. I let them know that my heart is right there with them, and that united we can bear this pain together. I let them know that there is truly strength in numbers. I let them know to not give up hope, because if you want to be a mother you will be a mother in some way, shape, or form you will…and I will too.
So today really is a difficult day.
It’s a day I grieve the loss of my baby all over again.
It’s a day that I unfortunately flash back to every moment leading up to the loss.
It’s a day that I also remember how strong I am.
It’s a day I remember how brave I am.
It’s a day I remember what an incredibly amazing mother I am right now.
It’s important to remember that just because I can’t hold my children in my arms I am STILL a mother. I became a mother the second I knew I was pregnant. I loved my children fiercely the second I knew I was pregnant, and a mother’s love never fades. Our mother hearts are strong and capable of so much beautiful and miraculous love. Today I remember my baby. Today I honor their short life. Today I look for extra signs from them. Today I let my mother heart radiate all of the love in the world to my sweet little one that was gone too soon.
If you too have miscarried, experienced pregnancy loss or stillbirth, or have lost a child, know that I am always here for you. Reach out if you need to. I have a wonderful set of shoulders to lean on. Thank you all so much for giving me the opportunity to share my story with you. You have no idea how much it means to me.
All of my love to you. xoxo